It’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for… some key results from the well-renowned, statistically rigorously and internationally respected dominicself.co.uk Readership Census. (A full copy of the census results can be purchased, in paperback or a luxury leather-bound edition, from the official shop.) Expert commentary has been provided to assist you in knowing how you’re supposed to react.

Expert Commentary: Very little surprise here in learning that there are more Ravenclaws in the audience than members of every other house put together. We’ve always known that readers of this blog were an intelligent and learned crowd, and this only confirms it. It is a slight worry that nearly one in ten of readers can be loosely categorised as ‘evil’, but we suspect that this figure is inflated by data from such undesirables as Twitter stalkers and Cambridge graduates.

Expert Commentary: We would interpret this high level of Guardian-people as representing readers who maintain an exhaustive online presence, promote such luminary figures as Ben Goldacre and Charlie Brooker and can’t necessarily spell all that well. Other significant groups are Independents (emerging from monetary difficulties but still reproducing) and Financial Timers (difficult to read on public transport).

Expert Commentary: More good news in these figures, and a vindication of this blog’s recent strategy of going up-market and significantly reducing its reliance on topless modelling. However, although rates of worship for the Invisible Pink Unicorn are high by national standards, there is evidently a great deal of evangelical work left to do.

Note: Respondents were asked to signal their (dis)agreement with the following statement on a scale from -2 (Dude, WTF?) to 2 (THE MOST CORRECT THING EVER), with 0 representing ‘Meh’: “Jeremy Clarkson, although wrong in all of his views, is still a talented TV presenter”. Averages shown as grouped by sexual orientation.

Expert Commentary: Fascinating results here, and a very clear trend: attraction to Macs significantly reduces appreciation of Clarkson’s presenting skills. We can only speculate as to why this might be the case. One theory is that over-exposure to Macs could be stimulating excess supply of the chemical in the brain which causes haughtiness; another is that it is less to do with Mac use per se and more a side-effect of susceptibility to Apple’s advertising, which is thought to rely on irrational negativity towards more primitive human beings. In either case, this data will surely fuel the ongoing debate around whether Mac use is truly a ‘healthy lifestyle choice’, as its proponents claim, or a potentially dangerous addiction which could damage long-term enjoyment of motoring-based light entertainment shows.

Expert Commentary: As could only be expected, Favstar use (of any sort) is restricted to TfL Zones 1-6, presumably due to a dearth of Internet access outside of the M25. The result for the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels is most unexpected, however: given the higher cost of cinemas in London, it was expected that Londoners would manifest greater levels of resentment at paying to sit through the repetitive tedium of a franchise long past its peak. We may speculate that paying exorbitant amounts to see films induces a mini-Stockholm effect, in which audience members convince themselves that it wasn’t that bad after all.

And a note of severe caution on the Jubilee line results: we are not suggesting, of course, that members of all houses do not vastly favour the Jubilee line for its evident superiority and top range of fabulous destinations. Rather, as Gryffindors are known for their bravery, they are likely to be most adept of any house members at resisting the bullying and intimation inflicted on Jubilee line fans by a very small minority of malcontents.

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