The new Pope has been announced… and it’s Michael Grade!
No, not really. It’s Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, or Ratty to his friends. At 78, he’ll be sure to project a fresh young face for the Catholic Church. Pope Benedict XVI was once a member of the Hitler Youth, but luckily not an ‘enthusiastic’ one. He also bravely deserted the German army (towards the end of the war – along with everyone else.)
Like most people alive during the exciting era of the 1960s, Ratzinger has many fascinating stories and anecdotes to tell. For example, some student protesters once disrupted one of his lectures. Well known for his patience and intelligence, he good naturedly responded by joking that they were “tyrannical, brutal and cruel”.
A reasoned and “scientific” man, he has denounced homosexuality as evil and other religions as “deficient”. He also upholds the Church’s sensible practice of banning all contraception and abortions, views that seem to have been spectacularly proven right in this AIDS free, happy smiling world. The last recorded case of sex before marriage was in 1969.
However, Pope Benedict XVI will have a lot in his in-tray. One of the most pressing problems in recent years, as you’ll all be aware, is of course – women. Radical demands are now being made from a small minority that women actually be granted similar, if not equal, rights to men. It may sound crazy, but putting down these determined terrorists will be no easy task. Luckily, Ratty comes well prepared. He’s already declared ordaining women was ‘an infallible teaching’ – putting that minority back in their rightful place.
It’s great to have a new Pope – and thank goodness he has his priorities sorted out.
I am appalled at the way you have displayed my good name. You shall surely go to hell. I will not pray for you
A vatican representitive was saying that he was glad that god had guided them quickly, they came to a decision after only 4 ballots, why couldn’t god just pick one; 1 ballot would be quicker.
I think we should have no pope. The pope has the easiest job and gets a guaranteed ticket to heaven. Sometimes I wonder why rockstars and celebrities don’t try that route to stardom. All the have to do is grow to at least ninety and then apply. If more people realised the privilages or being pope, many people would become better christians. So listen to this message an learn from it. I imagine in a few months, when the new pope dies from old age, the canidates will be jean-claud van dam, an Mr. Motivator. Good luck
I would like to congratulify Mr Pope and it pleases me that he that he won’t take any shit from those other religions such as islam.
i think it was a bit stupid to elect this guy cos come on he’ll be dead in like a week and they’ll have to elect another one next month.
I have written a special song for the new pope. I will be releasing the single ‘Benedict was a nazi’ next week. I hope to beat shakin’ stevens and maybe the cheeky girls. I like the Pope, The pope smokes dope. So if you would like to purchase your own pope, please send all your money to a freewebs site by the name of joshihomo
TORIES ARE GONNA KILL CHAVS!!!
BEATS MOST CRIME
You know what else beats crime? *Not* cutting police numbers by over 1000, like Mr. Howard did when he was last in office.
This topic isn’t about the Tories anyway – it’s about the Pope. An altogether more annoying and dangerous chav, some would say.
LOL if Pope Benedict XVI wore a burberry cap!
Lol point taken
as a staunch catholic I am shocked at the contents of this website. you will all be barred at the pearly gates.
I can’t work out if that’s a joke (very funny by the way) or if you’re being serious (even better!)
Why would anyone make a gate out of pearls anyway? Expensive and difficult to replace – methinks the Lord would be better off with just a traditional iron gate with a couple of security guards and a CCTV camera.