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Fair warning: this post is going to be overloaded with elephant photos. If you really hate elephants, skip this one.

We only had two days to spare in Chiang Mai, so soon after arriving at our hostel we moved quickly to book the tours we wanted while we were here. This left us with a couple of hours to conduct an improvised whistle-stop tour of the old town by ourselves, which is quite walkable and surrounded by remnants of old city walls, but – like the rest of Chiang Mai – suffers from a perpetual haze of pollution at this time of year (caused by agricultural land burning) which greys out the sky. Thankfully neither of us started coughing up blood but we were happier to skimp on the city than we might otherwise have been. Well, that and there’s a limit to the number of temples which can hold your interest.

Less time for the city meant more time for elephants! We went on a half-day visit to Toto’s Elephant Sanctuary and when I compare it to the last time I saw elephants, in Sri Lanka, the difference is profound. Our tour group consisted of one minivan’s worth of people (side note: I was childishly proud of drawing little flags in the ‘Nationality’ column of the visitor form we had to fill in, because the next person from China felt compelled to continue the pattern) and the atmosphere at the sanctuary was incredibly relaxed and chilled. We did not ‘take the elephants for a walk’, we followed the elephants as they wandered into the jungle at their own pace. Unlike Sri Lanka there were no chains or hooks in use, just a handful of cheerful elephants including one bounding eight-month old who kept charging about and occasionally slipping over.

The photos speak for themselves, but it was wonderful to spend time with these improbable creatures. At one point Randi was concerned that we might be feeding them too many bananas and asked if it was possible to overfeed them, but was reassured that they consume 300kg a day and are basically always eating.

Our tour the next day was a jungle trek just outside the Doi Inthanon National Park. Aside from the very windy drive to the starting point this was a really, really lovely tour thanks to our amazing guide, who took the two of us from his village through the most jungley environment I’ve ever been in. The ‘path’ was tentative at best, covered in slippery leaves which our guide kept brushing out of our way, and he led us along armed with a large knife put to a great many uses including cutting back plants growing over the route, fashioning us impromptu walking sticks and slicing through the branch of one particular tree to show how we could drink the water inside.

We also really enjoyed our conversations together. His English was halting (entirely self-taught over the last couple of years of doing tours) but we learnt of his desire to visit Europe one day if he ever saved up enough money to take his first plane. There was also a tragic moment where he asked Randi if Barack Obama was still President, and even though it’s now 2019 she had to break the news to one more person in the world about Trump. (He had never heard of him, which was rather refreshing.)

The tour ended at another elephant sanctuary and freezing cold waterfall which I begrudgingly took a quick shower in, and have to admit was somewhat refreshing. Back at the hostel, we took advantage of the free hour-long massages which the hostel offer in return for booking tours through them. Having worked at Groupon for many years I was well aware that there are both ‘nice soothing massages’ and ‘fearsome stretchy massages’ in the world but have never actually paid for one before and certainly didn’t remember which was which. Well, it turns out that the ‘Thai massage’ is the scary one… although I did enjoy the experience. I imagine it’s like being tortured by a professional torturer (wait, this isn’t going to be as bad as it sounds) only working to a much lower threshold of pain. Controlled and purposeful, in other words, and not just being beaten up by a masseuse.

Other than a brief visit to the extremely crowded Saturday night market along Wualai Walking Street (and our quick escape to an Indian restaurant) that pretty much sums it up for Chiang Mai. The next day we spent most of the day being driven to the Thai border town of Chiang Khong ready for our slow boat into Laos tomorrow, but we did stop briefly at the White Temple (Wat Rong Khun) in the province of Chiang Rai. We didn’t actually go in, but even from the outside this still ranks pretty high in the temple index, probably because it turns out to have been repurposed as an art exhibit.

We’ve seen a real variety of places within Thailand, but after Koh Lipe I think this was the stop I most enjoyed thanks to the elephants and the jungle. I am really not sure what to expect of Laos, but armed with the US dollars required for the entry visa I am ready for the next stage of our journey.

The feeling of having made it successfully onto your sleeper train as it pulls away from the station – especially as you relax into a private cabin and watch the platform start to disappear past your window – is a really special one, and I don’t understand anyone who wouldn’t feel the thrill in this. So began our overnight train to Bangkok, leaving a little late (but not drastically)
from Surat Thani and arriving about an hour behind schedule at 9.30 in the morning. The train itself was nothing fancy but similar to other sleeper trains I’ve ridden and we slept reasonably well, although I’m writing this from the future – after our incredible train out of Bangkok to Chiang Mai – which is warping my memory a little. More on that later.

We were very generously lent an apartment to stay in by the parents of one of Randi’s school friends (thank you!) and to get there from the main train station involved an introduction to Bangkok’s two main rail systems: the MRT (a subway) and the BTS Skytrain (an elevated train). Bear in mind that neither of these existed in any form until 1999 – I can’t imagine how awful it would have been to get around without them – and both systems are growing at a brisk pace, to the extent that the majority of stations on the MRT map are “future stations” which do not actually exist yet. So overall, I was very impressed. But the most galling flaw is that they use two completely separate smartcard systems for payment, even though they have been built to interchange with each other!

The Thai government has been promising to introduce an integrated Mangmoom Card (or ‘spider card’) for years, but it still doesn’t work. In the meantime, it’s BTS which has made the running with a cute ‘Rabbit card’ which can also be used to pay for meals at one of the food courts we visited. So we opted for that one and stuck with plastic tokens on the subway, refusing to shell out deposits for two different cards. Please keep working on this, Bangkok.

The most obvious thing to do when visiting the city is to visit the Grand Palace, the former site of the royal family and Thai government which is a large complex of courts, palaces and the Temple of the Emerald Buddha. We got there by taking a public boat up the river – no, the public boat doesn’t work with either of the smartcard systems I mentioned earlier, don’t be silly – and I was proud of us for walking determinedly past the staff misleading flogging the tourist boat at the pier (60 baht per person) and finding the right table for the ‘real’ boat instead (20 baht per person). You have to be jealous of your baht when visiting the Grand Palace since it is rather expensive in addition to being very hot and crowded, which definitely takes away the charm. That said, I did enjoy the quieter section at the back with the extensive murals depicting the national epic.

Thailand’s current government is a military junta after their coup in 2014, but new elections are now scheduled for the end of next week. I have not read up enough on the situation to understand what exactly is going on, but the roadsides of Bangkok are littered with posters for a plethora of different parties including – my favourite – whoever is campaigning with the somewhat complacent slogan #NoProblem. (Disclaimer: not an actual endorsement.) A couple of times we also saw vans driving past playing election material out of loudspeakers. We will be out of the country for the election itself but we are scheduled to return to Bangkok at the very end of our travels so we’ll have to keep an eye on what happens here.

Our other adventures in Bangkok included the Ratchada Train Market – an enormous night market with lots and lots of food – and Lumphini Park, where Randi joined in with the nightly aerobics class and I sat happily and read instead. We also had multiple cheap and cheerful lunches at the food court at Terminal 21, an airport-themed shopping centre (because who doesn’t love airports?) where each floor represents a different destination, from London to Paris to Tokyo to San Francisco to San Francisco again. (I don’t understand why… it’s not like they ran out of places in the world.)

It’s difficult to sum up Bangkok and we obviously only saw a small sliver of it, but I look forward to coming back and hope to uncover a little more then. What I absolutely adored, however, was how we left: the #9 Express Train overnight to Chiang Mai. This was possibly the nicest train I’ve ever taken even though this time we were only travelling second class. Instead of cabins, second class bunks (sofas during the day) are lined up ‘airline style’ along the sides of the train, each with their own electrical sockets and curtains for privacy.

It may not sound quite as nice as a private room but I think I actually preferred it, feeling very snug in my top bunk hideaway. We also very much enjoyed the company of our opposite duo: two German girls from Passau who were shocked and appalled to learn that both Brits and Americans buy their multi-pack beer in cardboard containers rather than plastic beer crates. (Seriously, this really rattled them… they were just like me with American kettles.)

The only downside of this train is that they keep the bright lights turned on along the corridor all night, leading me to root around in my backpack for a blindfold. Luckily I had one (nicked from an airline by Randi) and was able to get some good sleep. It was, in fact, a little disappointing when the train arrived into Chiang Mai exactly on time at 7:15am because I would have enjoyed an even longer rest on that train. Definitely our most enjoyable journey to date.

Phuket is another instance of an island – Thailand’s largest – unimaginatively sharing its name with the surrounding province. Usually visitors here stay at one of the many beach resorts, but we didn’t think anything could compare favourably to Koh Lipe so opted for a nicer AirBnb further inland, halfway between the busy Patong Beach and Old Phuket Town. A disadvantage of this scheme is that transport around the island is terrible, so we were a bit restricted in our roaming. On the other hand, there was a large Tesco up the road… though sadly without the meal deals.

Fortunately, location wasn’t an issue for the most important thing we came here for: a full-day tour of Phang Nga Bay in the Ao Phang Nga National Park. After being collected and then dropped off at Ao Por Pier (home to the world’s most persistent and effective salesperson for waterproof mobile phone pouches… we bought two) we were given the world’s silliest ticket for the journey “from the start to the end of the pier” before finally making it onto the boat which would take us around Phang Nga Bay.

From the boat we had two opportunities to jump into kayaks and explore the sea caves themselves, only with someone else doing all the hard work of paddling. They were beautiful:

Aside from the expeditions to the caves we were very well taken care of on the boat itself, with snacks and drinks (I’m very grateful for that cup of tea) in addition to lunch and dinner. I’m normally a bit sceptical of boat meals but the buffet spread for dinner was amazing, especially the Massaman curry. During ‘free time’ we could either take the kayaks out ourselves or swim in the surrounding waters, assured that there were “not too many” jellyfish and that the staff would be keeping an eye out for them just in case. Obviously the water was just too tempting to say no.

The final activity of the day was to make krathongs – decorated flower basket thingies which float down rivers during the Thai Buddhist festival of Loi Krathong. Side-note: this review was incredibly helpful to us when choosing a tour, but I am kinda amused by the tension between being sad that the krathongs are collected up again afterwards – going against local traditions – versus the environmental cost of dumping all of these tourist products into the sea every day. And unlike the author of that blog, arts and crafts is really not either of our jams so we were delighted when our appointed helper (the same guy who paddled our kayak) confessed that as a Muslim this whole tradition was a bit alien to him and he had had to learn it on the job.

All in all, I don’t think our team’s krathong is winning any awards, but once the candles were lit it did look rather nice floating on the water. Before we collected it back, of course.

For the rest of our time in Phuket we didn’t do anything incredibly amazing – unless you count laundry – but we did take the opportunity to plan out the rest of our travels across South East Asia and take some tentative steps towards our new lives in London. First steps like switching our Kindle accounts over to the UK 😉 and discovering – quite shockingly – that Kindle books are generally a fair bit cheaper in the UK versus the US, even though they include 20% VAT. It’s very curious.

We did go out to three destinations: Old Phuket Town, Patong Beach and the Big Buddha statue. Where possible we used the local bus – which usually takes the form of a converted pick-up truck – because the prices of taxis (including Grabs) are absurdly inflated and very obviously subject to a taxi mafia which really did hold back our casual tourist spending. It’s a bit of a miracle that the bus service exists at all, and is sorta charming once you get onto it, but service is skimpy and stops completely around 5-6pm in the evening. I’ve also never been less confident that we’d make it up a hill. Excitingly, there is a light rail scheme coming to the island but not until 2023-24 (in theory) so getting around will be frustrating for a while yet.

Incidentally, many of the guides and reviews advise you to hire a motorbike to get around the island more easily. You certainly could do that… or you could read the WHO’s 2015 Road Safety Institutional and Legal Assessment for Thailand, a country with the second-highest road fatality rate in the world of which over 70% were motorcycle drivers.

However you choose to visit Old Phuket Town, you won’t find somewhere very buzzing – at least during the middle of the hot day – although of course there is delicious and cheap Thai food available. Patong Beach, meanwhile, was a perfectly nice beach to wander up and down, but the vibe is much more “party town” than “relaxing beach paradise” and this only accelerates after the sun goes down and the ping pong sex shows begin. (Feel free to Google this if you feel the need, but I think my audience prefers WHO reports.) We spent a token amount of time on the main drag before Randi checked off the life goal of eating Burger King’s veggie burger and we got our extortionate taxi out of there.

Finally, the Big Buddha is moderately interesting to walk around and comes with a great view overlooking the island. Again, we would have enjoyed it more if the transport costs were not so high… although this was the one occasion where we bothered to haggle a taxi price down from “absurd” to only “quite ridiculous”.

One last random snippet which I think is worth sharing: at Ao Por Pier, a selfie stick is not a selfie stick but instead a “Self Picture Monopod for Mobile Phones”. Well, I liked it.

As you can probably tell, we did not really fall in love with Phuket other than as a base for Phang Nga Bay which justified the whole stop. We are now finishing off our blogs in a café opposite the railway station in Surat Thani, which is a four hour drive from Phuket and the closest station available for an overnight train to Bangkok. I am not expecting the world’s most comfortable sleep, but I am excited for the first sleeper train of our travels!

I’ve never been so sad to leave anywhere as Koh Lipe. Rather than hopping between lots of different Thai islands – which would have been fun in its own right – we opted to plop ourselves down on this one very small island, splurge on staying at its nicest resort and just totally relax for five glorious days. I really did not want to leave.

After getting our Malaysian exit stamps at the harbour in Langkawi (it always feels good to get the right stamps now) we surrendered our passports to the ferry company before our uneventful ride to Koh Lipe. The reason for this is that you disembark directly onto the beach at Koh Lipe so they need an incentive for you to stick around and clear immigration instead of just running off giddily. The guy coordinating immigration on the Thai side had clear ambitions to become a gameshow host, riling up the crowd with some classic call-and-response (“It’s that way to Sunrise Beach, OK?” “OK!”) before holding up each of our passports in turn and calling out the name and nationality (“USA… Randi!) of the next contestant to approach the window for an entry stamp.

Once we were all done, the guy meeting us from Ten Moons Resort whisked us and our bags into a small, private boat and sped us around the corner of the island to our resort where we could check-in to our room immediately. Bliss.

Ten Moons really is… perfect. The whole place is serenely calm and luxurious without being overly swanky or pretentious. For example, I really liked that they had a big box of beach toys and sandcastle-building equipment for kids to play with in addition to snorkelling goggles and flippers being available. Koh Lipe is home to three main beaches: Sunrise, Sunset and Pattaya. While technically not a ‘private’ beach (as, nicely, you can always walk down the full length of any beach unimpeded) the beach at Ten Moons is tucked away discreetly behind some rocks at the end of Sunrise Beach and was never crowded. You can also tell it’s a special place because the sand switches to the ultra-fine variety as soon as you reach it 😉

Usually shallow water is a negative at beaches, since you have to wade out a long way before being able to fully immerse in the water. But here, the water was so warm you could just sit back on the sandy seafloor – without ever getting cold – and watch the fish swim by. (Award for most interesting-looking fish goes to the swordfish, or at least what I assume was a swordfish, although honourable mention for the many, many crabs scuttling around purposefully on the rocks.) Best of all, I made use of the flippers to swim across to the tiny island opposite and found myself on a beach of one.

Our bungalow was a short walk up some wooden staircases with its own little secluded balcony, so when we weren’t down at the beach we were usually sitting up here in towels reading or playing Coloretto. That said, it really does only take half an hour or so to walk across the whole island so we did occasionally venture out to watch the beautiful sunsets from Sunset Beach or find food to eat. While I did have some great Thai meals, I’d be lying if I said my favourites weren’t the two amazing Indian dinners we had… although Thai iced tea was a great discovery and the perfect thing to cool down with over lunch.

I owe Randi for reminding me that it was Pancake Day this morning and we were able to keep the tradition alive by choosing pancakes for breakfast at Ten Moons before checking out and catching our ferry (more of a speedboat) on to the next destination: Phuket. The journey here came with an unexpected bonus hour on Koh Lanta so we can now say that we did (very briefly!) see another of the small Thai islands. But really, I don’t need anywhere else but Koh Lipe.

Aside from blogging extensively about podcasts, my time alone in Kuala Lumpur can be summarised by this WhatsApp exchange with Catherine:

The shopping centre where I accomplished both #1 and #2 from the list above is called Berjaya Times Square and is an odd place, like a rainforest where the ecosystem is very different in the treetops from the jungle floor. The bottom is busy and a little ritzy, including a piano staircase which plays the notes as you step on them. But as I looked for a hairdresser I ventured higher and higher (in a lift which curiously plays a recorded message of “sorry to keep you waiting” no matter how long you’ve actually been waiting) and the atmosphere became ever quieter and the shops more mundane until I felt I was the only person around. Apparently there’s a university up there if you go high enough but I didn’t want to start pressing dangerous buttons in the great glass elevator.

Talking of lifts: it was noticeable that the floors in the condominium where we stayed avoided the numeral 4 (for superstitious reasons) leading to the invention of floors 3A and 13A and so on. I have a real superstition against travelling in vehicles designed by superstitious people, but at least this was preferable to skipping the numbers completely, as in the buildings which jump from floor 12 to 14.

The model mosques were only a small part of the Islamic Arts Museum of Malaysia but were definitely the most interesting part for me, ranging from the Great Mosque of Mecca to smaller ones from China to New Mexico and always melding local architecture with the basics of any mosque. I pretty much exhausted all of my solo tourism energy after this point, however, and for most of the rest of the time I only moved between a small triangle of a roti place, a coffeeshop and our AirBnb until Randi returned from her successful mission to London.

Our next leg of travelling took us back up north by train (yay!) to Alor Setar where we caught a ferry to Langkawi Island. I had foolishly booked the train tickets online from the station named ‘Kuala Lumpur’ but when we returned from Penang the other week we had already discovered that Kuala Lumpur is, in fact, a portal into an alternate universe where humans have barely survived an apocalyptic plague. The real station you want to leave from is Kuala Lumpur Sentral, opened in 2001 to replace Kuala Lumpur and barely 10 minutes down the track but unhelpfully abbreviated to KL Sentral on the train company’s booking website so you don’t spot it exists. We ended up booking an extra ticket to cover KL Sentral to Kuala Lumpur so that we could arrive at a station with breakfast and lunch options to buy rather than zombies to fend off.

Anyhow, the train journey itself was smooth (albeit very cold) and our ferry to Langkawi didn’t catch fire as had happened the day before. We therefore arrived with plenty of time for sunset on the beach and dinner at what became our go-to place in Langkawi for the majority of our meals. They do a really good fish pie, alright?

There are a bunch of tourist attractions in Langkawi and we did start out with plans to visit some of them – honest! – but then laziness took hold and it seemed better to wind up the Malaysian portion of our travels with rest, relaxation and repeated attempts to find somewhere outside to sit and read without loud music playing in the background. (I know this makes us sound really old but unfortunately we haven’t yet developed the hearing loss of the genuinely old which might actually have helped in this scenario.) It’s also worth noting that the beer here is dramatically cheaper than anywhere else we’ve been in Malaysia.

Regardless, it was great to finally reach the beach… and our next stop (assuming we get into Thailand) is going to double down on this theme 😉